We have become so used to being on the verge of a nervous breakdown, having a lot of pending work and even a schedule full of plans that we would really like to ditch. the reason? In most cases, we do not know how to say “no”. Doing so is one of those empowering moments that lifts a heavy burden off our shoulders and helps us take control of our lives. Yet we have become people who are afraid to say no everywhere.
“Saying no is part of the assertive skill we need to learn throughout life, and the business context is the ideal place not only to learn but to show ourselves to be assertive. They are behaviors that are learned, but may We may not be able to do this in a family or school environment. In the professional context there are authority relationships and new professional roles that we have to learn to manage., and because of these and for fear of making the impression of not being qualified enough if we don’t cover all the tasks, too many times we say no. If we don’t acquire assertive skills, it will certainly be difficult for us to say “no”, ask for what we need and value what we do”, explains Isabel Aranda, health psychologist and Chief Content Officer of TherapyChat .
“At work we play a lot: beyond the fact that having it gives us a livelihood and losing it takes it away from us, we also risk our professional reputation and our progress when we are at it. (how good our career will be). This leads us, in a more or less deliberate way, to build a strategy, decide and, as often as we want, swallow things that we do not like: a colleague who asks us for help with something, makes us a boss an unexpected act, An extra-work event that’s not so extra and at which you have to appear so as not to be left out of the picture… At work, as in other aspects of life, we are afraid of losing the favor and affection of others, Or giving some unwanted shovel in our “grave”. For this reason, whether out of fear or interest, or a mixture of both, sometimes we say yes to what we want to say no”, says Rafael San Roman, a psychologist at Eiffel.
Knowing How to Say “No” in Relationships
Relieving ourselves of the burden of appearing available when in fact we are not is an essential issue for our mental health, and this burden seeps into our relationships as well, in which it is important to set boundaries. Rafael San Roman, Eiffel psychologist, is in charge of presenting a key issue in this topic: Assertiveness.
“To know what we want to say yes to and to know what we want to say no to, we must put ourselves before the famous question. assertiveness, the ability to set limits to external pressure and expose one’s position, Always without harming the other or damaging the relationship. In couple relationship, As in the rest of our relationships in life, there are times when we know how to be assertive and other times when, for various reasons, it doesn’t work for us, or we aren’t capable of it, or it just doesn’t work for us. doesn’t work When this happens (simply put, when we say yes but mean no, or vice versa), we usually do so out of fear of the consequences: the other will get angry, hurt, stop loving me. … It is intolerable for us and we prefer to give in rather than deal with that struggle”, says the psychologist.
“Usually, we succeed, but usually the price is that we become angry with the other (and/or with ourselves), for feeling that we are being mistreated, even we don’t express it and apparently, “willfully” act. When this dynamic becomes repetitive, it becomes established an abusive or manipulative relationship on each other, and a lot of stress: one of the two members feels that he puts much more into the relationship than the other and, therefore, is owed a lot (and is never given) and eventually he indirectly would end up giving rise to a bigger conflict”, he says.
Consequences of Not Knowing How to Say “No”
Isabel Aranda explains that It is more difficult for women to say “no” because the traditional role with which we have been brought up is more associated with obedience and subordination. “Even today, a woman who sets limits and who clearly states what she wants is criticized and labeled as ambitious, something that is not only commonly said in a man. He is praised, because it means he has things clear,” he says.
He also explains that the consequences of not knowing how to say the magic word are many. “First, at the individual level, self-esteem and self-concept They fall short of not being able to set limits. Second, at the job performance level, work overload usually results in greater wear, greater stress, and less efficiency, as well as more accidents at work, ‘burnout’, and errors in job execution. Third, at the level of interpersonal relationships, not knowing when to say no at times puts us in a difficult position, because others get used to us always saying yes and a strange effect arises. By default, more is demanded of people who are known to say yes, so the more we say yes, the more demanded and the more we say yes, with a resulting overload”. Aranda says.
how to say no
So, while it’s important to learn to say “no,” it’s certainly also important not to hurt anyone by doing so. Rafael San Roman, Eiffel psychologist, highlights some of the keys. “Listen a lot to the other, show that we hear and understand (even if we do not agree with them), speak carefully and politely to ourselves (your needs, opinions, viewpoints), explain why we think/ want/need something specific, why it is important to us, looking for middle points, compromises, balances, so as not to seem imposing or arrogant (and that the other does not impose his on us, if there is a choice) thinking realistically about what it really is the worst that could happen if we don’t say what’s being asked of us (rather than catastrophizing) and tolerating the stress of setting limits on someone rather than avoiding conflict Do them wrong, but needlessly pay the price for wronging yourself.
For her part, Isabel Aranda, a health psychologist and Chief Content Officer of TherapyChat, assures that assertive behavior is easier to learn under the guidance of a psychologist. “There are assertiveness workshops and also the personal service of a psychologist-coach who accompanies us in learning solid technology and in a safe and efficient execution. It is not a basic education to read and apply one or another technique, but assertiveness is linked to the existential situation we have and the role we adopt in relationships, so we have to review and question them in order to learn efficiently. Have to do Hence the convenience of having the support of a psychologist to acquire assertive behavior and not just learn how to say no”, he says.
