You have probably already experienced a dream that seemed so real that you doubted being woken several times during it, and conversely you may have experienced certain scenes of reality where you were almost convinced to be in a dream. In order not to make a big mistake thinking that you are very quietly in the world of Morpheus, we offer you some tips to check if you are asleep. I grant you, it’s super specific as a top.
Wake up your body with ancestral techniques
A first step to find out if you are dreaming is to wake up your body, and for this you can try several small exercises. Biting your tongue, pinching your arm, rubbing your eyes, dislocating your elbow, eating one of your teeth… Everyone has their own little techniques, but at least it can make your body react.
Check the news and see if it is consistent
A fairly simple way to check that you are in a consistent world of consistency is to check the news. If you see really weird stuff making headlines like “Elon Musk rebrands Twitter as X”, “Darmanin congratulates the police after receiving thinly disguised threats from the union” Or “A director prosecuted for a sex crime will be the guest of honor at the Césars” it is time to be alarmed.
Clearly square the space in which you are
If you just went from your living room inside a spaceship to finish on top of Everest, you’re probably dreaming. In dreams, we tend to change places completely inconsistently, so keep track of where you are is a good clue.
Attempting to hold a meaningful discussion with a person for more than a minute
When you have a discussion with someone in a dream, some really strange things happen. For example, if you are talking with your best friend on the terrace and he turns into Nikos Aliagas who speaks in your mother’s voice while climbing the table on the back of a boar you can be fairly certain that you’re dreaming (but there’s always a doubt, so don’t jump to conclusions).
Spot obvious signs of nonsense
Sometimes it doesn’t take long to realize that something unreal is happening, so here are some textbook cases identified by the reality check center that should immediately alert you: when you look in the mirror you see Pierre Palmade, you are reading the last volume of Hunter X Hunter Or Game Of Thrones (the two will never come out), CNEWS hasn’t talked about terrorism / the burkini / immigrants for five minutes or even Emmanuel Macron has just admitted that he has made a mistake since he has been in power.
Make sure Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t next to you
We probably should have started there, if you’re standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio spinning a top then you’re probably dreaming. But check it out anyway, if it happens you are right next to a guy who looks a bit like Leonardo DiCaprio and who is spinning a top, it happens more often than you think.
Do something you can’t do in reality
If you are in a dream it is possible that you can do things that you cannot do in reality, in which case it is worth trying. For example if you’ve never been able to drive, attempt to enter the highway in reverse, if you’ve never been able to fight, go confuse a bear on the loose, and if you’ve never been able to ignite your farts, try to do it at a gas station. You will quickly be fixed.
Try to open the debate with a piece of furniture
Difficult to speak with a piece of furniture in real life, besides, don’t we say that someone who speaks little is as mute as a coffee table? In real life it is only possible to have a passionate debate with a piece of furniture in two cases: having taken a reasonable dose of mind-altering substances or having bought a piece of furniture possessed by a spirit who loves debate, such as a former king of France for example (the famous Louis XVI chests of drawers). If you are certain that you are not in one of these two scenarios, you are dreaming.
Try to fall asleep
Yes, so it’s true that suddenly I tell myself that finally it could have been the first point of the top since apparently it is impossible to fall asleep in a dream because otherwise we would break the laws of the dynamics of sleep and the balance of the universe, which in the real world would translate to pissing on yourself in your sleep. So give it a try, but take a towel for safety.
Do the thing you normally should never do
Warning: If you have reached the end of this top without having succeeded in making sure that you were in a dream, you can try the following advice but I decline all responsibility for what could happen to you (in a dream like in reality). You can try watching Frédéric Beigbeder’s interview where he comes close to saying that he invented feminism, if you don’t fall asleep it’s because you’re dreaming, but if you were wide awake then your sanity may well be at risk. Only to be attempted in case of extreme emergency.